


Heartbeats SLow As Smoke Drifts

by naturallesbain



Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Gay, Internalized Homophobia, Its literally the 60's what do y'all expect-, Mental Health Issues, Other, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:27:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26706721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturallesbain/pseuds/naturallesbain
Summary: This is a fic book that I'm doing for my original male character named Alex! Alex and his brother Sean are two twins with a dysfunctional home life similar to Johnny Cades. Some of the themes referenced in this story are from real life so please ask questions if you want me to go into full detail about that memory or scene! Thanks for reading!
Kudos: 3





	1. To See As One

Chapter One: To See As One

I listened to the soft melodies flowing through the old radio beside me, watching as the smoke from my cigarette drifted and swirled up to disappear at the ceiling. I was lying flat on my back, arm under my head while I thought about what life would’ve been, what life could’ve been. 

These past few months had been Hell. The year’s events swirled around my head as I let the cigarette burn to my fingers, the burning alerting me back to reality. 

I had trouble with spacing out. I never knew why, but a lot of my family and friends think its ADHD, but I don’t have the money for a doctor. My friend, Ponyboy, also has this problem, but nobody questions it. He’s a smart boy, skipped a grade, makes good grades, and he’s kind. He’s got dark copper hair and green eyes but insists that they’re more grey than green. 

I wonder sometimes what he’s thinking about since I know I go into horrible detail of how everything could go wrong, or how a certain song makes me feel. We talk sometimes and he tells me about what he thinks about sometimes, but we’re always interrupted before he gets into detail. 

Before I could go back into my thoughts, I heard a knocking sound at the rickety door. 

“Hello?” I called out. 

“It’s just me,” My friend, Johnny, called out. I quickly got up and opened the door, my feet echoing against the hardwood floor, dust puffing out at where I stepped. 

I opened the door quickly, grabbing Johnny and pulling him inside. 

“What were you doing out there? It’s pouring outside!” I scolded Johnny.

“Oh, you know how it gets at my house, Alex. You should know, you go through the same,” Johnny replied defensively. 

I wanted to scold him further but knew I couldn’t. I did know what it was like at his house and I understood. My mom ain’t a kind woman, shouting at the top of her lungs and scolding us over nothing. She wasn’t physically hurtful like Johnny Cade’s parents, though, she focused more on tearing down our self-esteem. 

I watched as Johnny took a seat in the empty chair near the closed window, watching the raindrops flow slowly down the window and to hear the soft pitter-patter of the rain droplets as they crashed against the stained window. 

I crossed the room in a few steps, sitting down next to Johnny on the floor, taking off my sweater to use as a pillow so I could catch some shut-eye. 

My mom was screaming almost all of last night, my brother and I trying to get her to shut up, but to no avail. Her drunken shouting scaring the dog, her voice louder than the thunder that shook the house occasionally. 

I thought about all these things as I fell asleep, listening to the soft pitter-patter and bouts of thunder. 

I dreamt of men trying to take me and shouting women, her ear-piercing scream seeming to follow me into the world of the awake as I jolted from my slumber. I quickly looked around the room, seeing that Johnny was peacefully sleeping near me, a calm expression on his normally tense and anxious face. I sighed and sat up, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep after the dream. 

I looked around at the room of the rickety old shed that I was staying in to try and find something to do, but alas, like always, there's nothing. I could watch the rainfall, but I’ve memorized the slow movements of raindrops, so I decided I would just lay there and think. 

The thinking was always dangerous for me, my thoughts drifting to terrible things and impulsive actions. They made me feel like a freak. I remember in first grade I ended up running off into the woods near the school because my brain told me so and my teachers and parents were furious at me. 

I sat there, thinking and thinking, waiting for something to happen, maybe lightning, maybe thunder, but nothing did. The only sounds that could be heard were the soft pitter-patter of rain against the roof, walls, and windows. 

I’m going to go insane. 

I didn’t know how long I sat there until Johnny started to stir, his body making soft movements, tumbling on the floor a bit until I heard him grunt, sigh, then sit up. 

“Hey, how long have you been awake?” Johnny asked looking straight at me. 

“Dunno lost track of time,” I replied. Johnny yawned quietly then stretched. 

“You always lose track of time,” Johnny sassed. I just sighed and laughed. 

“What's with your mouth today, huh, Johnnyboy? Should I take ya to Darry so that he can wash it out for ya?” I fired back

“Darry wouldn’t wash our mouths out, we both know that. He knows what we gotta deal with at home and he’s scared we’ll become scared o’ him” Johnny replied softly. Johnny’s voice always got soft and gentle when talking about what we had to deal with at home like he was talking about a family member who passed or a small kitten. 

“Yeah, I know, the gangs real good at treatin us right, huh Johnnycakes?” I said. 

“Yeah, they are,” Johnny replied. 

We sat there, both silent as we read each other's emotions. Johnny had these big eyes that conveyed so much emotion that I couldn’t decipher. We sat there, just staring, the air in the room shifting with every emotion that was read until we both decided to get up and head out, putting on our sweaters as we did so.


	2. Ode To Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn more about Alex's brother

Johnny and I were headed over to the Curtis house now, our steps fast pace, our feet thumping against the pavement to the beat of our hearts as we sprinted on the sidewalk. It was still raining like crazy outside and neither of us can afford to get sick. I distantly thought about if my brother was safe. 

We soon arrived at the Curtis house, drenched to the bone and shivering despite only being in the rain for a few minutes. We nearly broke down the door when we came in, wanting desperately to get out of the cold rain. 

We were both given new clothes, borrowed from Ponyboy of course, and given towels to wrap around ourselves to get rid of the bone-deep chill that ran through our bones. After we had changed, we were sat at the dining table for a firm scolding by Darrel. 

“That’s what you two get for not coming over here instead of going wherever you two go,” Darry scolded, his voice was deep like his dad’s, a rough scratch to it like a man who had been singing all his life. The Curtis parents had died not long ago, about nine months, leaving Darrel, the oldest, to take care of his two brothers, Ponyboy and Sodapop.

“I know, we get it, Dar. We shouldn’t have gone out in the rain and we’re sorry for that but, we can’t change what’s already happened,” I said to Darry, the eldest of the Curtis brothers. 

“I know, but you two still have a lesson to learn. You two should go here when it starts to rain, I know for a fact your folks ain’t got no money for a doctor,” Darrel said before sitting down in front of us. 

The air in the room was stiff, stiffer then Darry’s back after a long day of roofing or Steve and Soda’s arms after working on a car all day. Everyone hated it when Darry scolded Johnny because out of all the people in the gang, he deserves it the least. 

Suddenly, Darry got up and announced that he was going to make soup and the rest of the gang members that were there (Two, Steve, and Soda) all fell into their normal routine. Johnny and I glanced at each other, silent words flowing through us. “Are you okay?” and “Thank you”s’ flowing through us. 

I got up without a word, going into the bathroom to take a breather. I hated tense moments, the moments where you can cut through the air with a knife. 

I breathed in deep and slow as I calmed my nerves, heart racing as I played back the day’s events. I remained in the bathroom for a few more minutes before flushing the toilet and running the tap. 

‘Christ, I think I’m going insane,’ I thought as I stepped out of the bathroom. None of the gang members ever had to step into the bathroom to take a breather and I bet none of them had these thoughts. I slowly walked over to the couch and sat down, Two-Bit, Soda, and Steve sitting on the ground, marks and light bruises showing up on their skin from wrestling earlier. 

I sighed to myself, my mind going adrift as I thought about what I had to go home to later. My mom was drunk, my dad was at work, and lord knows where my brother is. 

My mom was a mean drunk. She’d spew all this hate towards us, then scream all night, then be sweet as apple pie the next day. My dad, on the other hand, the sweetest guy, never hit, yelled, or touched me to hurt me and he was okay with working. My dad grew up Christian, but he’s an atheist now, his beliefs matching with Christians, but he always told us that a ‘Christians hate is the strongest love there is’. 

I sat there for who knows how long. That’s what I’ve been doing a lot lately, sitting. It didn’t matter if I was cold, it didn’t matter if I was hot, I could sit in the same place for hours while spacing out. 

I sat until someone nudged me and handed me a hot bowl, which turned out to be the soup Darry made. I had only just realized how hungry I was, digging into the hot soup, the flavors mixing as I swirled it around in my mouth. 

I ate the soup until it was gone, getting up and disposing of the bowl in the sink, I thought about where the hell my brother was. 

My brothers a trouble maker, hanging out with the bad crowd and getting himself into trouble on the regular, but somehow never being arrested. 

I sat back down on the couch and let my head roll to the side as exhaustion took over me; the sleep in the shed wasn’t that great after all. 


End file.
